Book 2, Wish YOU Were Here (Not to be confused with book 1, Wish *I* Was Here), came back with edits for the first 20 pages. Remember when I went through this last time? You writers came out of the woodwork to offer your expertise.
I loved it. So let’s do it again, shall we?
The main thing this editor said was that I had too many one-sentence paragraphs, which weakens the impact when I want those quick grafs to really stand out. I get that. The challenge then was finding which short paragraphs to combine. For instance:
“How much money is it?”
“Seven thousand five hundred and eighty dollars.”
My mouth fell open.
“It’s a start anyway.” He jogged across the parking lot.
I stared after him, dumbfounded.
He gestured for me to follow. “Ana, come on.”
I shook the bewilderment off and joined him. “Keep a look out, will you?” He dropped to his knees and opened another compartment of his bag.
Everything after “How much money is it?” could be combined into one paragraph, really. But should it? I combined a few in the middle. What would you do?
Another example: “Of course you did.” Headlights approached. “You’d better hurry. There’s a car coming.” It was moving fast. “Come on, Isaac.” The car was nearly upon us. “Iiiiissac.”
I initially had most of that as separate paragraphs, but I can see that it works okay all together. The scene feels less dramatic that way, but whatever. Any thoughts?
Then there’s always the comma conundrums, such as:
“Hopefully they were the only ones who knew, other than Ben.” This editor added a comma after “Hopefully.” I don’t think that’s necessary. Do you?
“One way or another, we would’ve wound up The Crazy Freshmen, aka Space Cadet, and Beaker Brain.” Why did she add the comma after Space Cadet?
This part may not be clear. Ana and Isaac collectively are The Crazy Freshmen. Individually, they are known as Space Cadet and Beaker Brain, respectively. Was that unclear?
A couple more tricky ones:
“As smart as he was, he didn’t foresee the problems that would cause? Or what he’d put me through to supposedly protect me?” She said not question marks, periods because they’re statements. But I see them as her thinking rhetorical questions. How did you read them?
“We could take turns driving through the night while the other sleeps,” Isaac suggested. She suggested I change “suggested” to “said.” Is suggested not allowed?
I’m happy, and grateful, to hear your thoughts!
Now a bit of Jiu-Jitsu so HRH doesn’t complain
Instructor went out of town, so HRH taught the Saturday morning classes, Master Cycle and the white belt class, Combatives. No way I was going to miss this.
I was a little surprised she asked me to be her demo partner for MC. Thankfully she didn’t say the dreaded, “Now we’ll switch,” meaning my turn to [attempt to] do the move.
Without her asking, I stayed to be her demo partner for Combatives, super excited for us to kind of teach a class together. Instructor not being there, I was less shy about speaking up. I even offered the class a tip for falling safely.
I was planning to covertly make goofy faces at her while she taught, but thought better of it. She was concentrating hard. It would be mean to throw her off, and for once I don’t mean that literally.
When Instructor returned Monday night, he thanked her for teaching in his absence and said he heard everyone loved it. I muttered to her, “I never said I loved it. He clearly didn’t ask everyone.”
“Hey!” she whispered back.
If I had been bold, or drunk, or someone else, I would have asked Instructor, “And what about her assistant? What did people say about her? Did everyone love her too?” But I was neither bold, drunk, nor someone else, so I kept my mouth shut.
Toward the end of class, I surprised myself by speaking up, asking Instructor if, before sparring, we could drill through everything we’d learned. “I don’t remember the first thing we learned an hour ago,” I said.
“If the lower belt wants to drill, the higher belt should be okay with doing what the lower belt wants to do,” Instructor said, looking at his wife, knowing she wanted to spar with me.
I playfully shoved her shoulder. She later told me she wanted to fake punch me back, but Instructor was watching.
I’d better keep a look out next class when he’s not watching.
Oh, yeah, that thing you voted on…
Subtitle options:
A. Who are you when everything that defined you is stripped away?
or
B. The adventure she never wanted might be the one she needs.
Most of you voted for B, which I appreciate since that’s the one I wrote. If you voted for A, don’t feel bad. I wouldn’t have put it in the running if I didn’t consider it a contender.
And the trivia…
Spaghetti, olive oil, onion, garlic, eggs, bacon, parmesan, pepper, and parsley together make spaghetti carbonara.
Well done to many of you!
No new question this week. I’m hoping instead you’ll respond to the editing questions above. ❤ [Hopefully that comes out looking like a heart. If not, imagine one there.]
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Writing and Martial Arts 
I bow down to our mutual friend Mark and others on here who are what I call “real writers.” Of course, I still have my thoughts. I tend to pooh pooh the advice to watch short paragraphs. So much of it to me is feel. Plus, we have short attention spans. I think short paragraphs help in that regard. In any event, you have a lot of dialogue that needs broken up. I would look for opportunities to combine like to like:
–“Seven thousand five hundred and eighty dollars.” My mouth fell open.
–It’s a start anyway.” He jogged across the parking lot. I stared after him, dumbfounded. He gestured for me to follow. “Ana, come on.”
But again it’s really up to you!!!!
As for the commas, my personal style would probably be to remove hopefully from the beginning of the sentence, changing it instead to: “They were hopefully the only ones who knew, other than Ben.” Can you tell I hate commas? I can never tell where to put them. Saying that, I think the second comma is actually needed because you’re calling out that The Crazy Freshmen also goes by the Space Cadet. I understand your question. With the names back to back like that, you don’t want people to think you’re talking about three people. But I think you need it because of the descriptive phrase.
My brain is starting to fizzle from overwork. Too many grammar questions for me. If the real editors tell you that I got everything wrong, I would definitely take their advice!!!! Hang in there.
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Thanks, Brian! First thing I’m going to do is go back to this post and make the Crazy Freshman thing more clear before others read this…
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Oh yes, I get it now. I’m with you. No comma is needed after Space Cadet.
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Now the challenge is figuring out to convey that. Sigh.
Thanks, B!
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Congrats on being selected as demo partner for the Master Cycle & White Belt Class! It’s a sign that HRH has confidence in your skills.
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Or a confirmation that she enjoys beating me up. 😛 Either way, it was fun. Thanks, Rosaliene!
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This is why I write poetry — you’re supposed to break the rules in a poem and any potential edit can be argued as “part of the art of my poem.” In fact I have a friend who edits a lot of my stuff who absolutely refuses to edit my poetry. My prose — he give me tons of corrections, but a poem … nope, because it’s “art”. He’ll comment on a poem’s impact or emotional response but never offers an edit.
so …
rewrite your novel as a epic poem and tell the editor it’s “art” they can’t edit.
Follow me for more editing tips. 😉
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Ever the brilliant problem solver, Andrew!
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You’re doing a great job, Ilsa. Whether to agree with an editor is sometimes personal. One can get some help from them, but in my opinion, they’re not always correct.
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In truth, there were a couple of her suggestions that I knew were merely that, so I didn’t use them. Others I did, however. The paragraph thing seems a good call, though. Thanks for chiming in, Tim! 🙂
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Do what you think is best, Ilsa. It’s your book. It’s a pleasure for me to read your posts and say what I think. 😍
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Thank you. 🙂
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Why did she add the comma after Space Cadet?
I assumed because of the *&^% oxford comma, which I KNOW someone on this blog happens to like. Their anonymity is my top concern so the masses won’t descend upon them and stone them to death 😉
I agree about combing most of those sentences. Short one sentences might be just fine for a blog post or some tweetsky thingamajig, but for a book? Real paragraphs. Because one liners can be used, but they need to be rare to be effective. I know I’d notice if every line of speech was on it’s own line and I’d think “phhhh, indie writer”.
Next time I read some Dickens, I’m going to see what he did in that regards though.
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So that sentence with Space Cadet really is that confusing. Huh. It’s not listing a series, so Oxford comma doesn’t apply here. Clearly I need to rewrite that sentence entirely. Welp, that is good to know.
It was more like, each person, whether speaking or reacting, should get their own line, just as you do when the dialogue changes speaker. And yet, I’m not sure why I thought that since I didn’t always do that. “Phhhh, indie writer.”
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She and I both knew you were being funn!
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I assume you mean HRH? Hopefully by now she knows my default setting is silly. 🙂
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