Book 2, Wish YOU Were Here (Not to be confused with book 1, Wish *I* Was Here), came back with edits for the first 20 pages. Remember when I went through this last time? You writers came out of the woodwork to offer your expertise.

I loved it. So let’s do it again, shall we?

The main thing this editor said was that I had too many one-sentence paragraphs, which weakens the impact when I want those quick grafs to really stand out. I get that. The challenge then was finding which short paragraphs to combine. For instance:

Everything after “How much money is it?” could be combined into one paragraph, really. But should it? I combined a few in the middle. What would you do?

Another example: “Of course you did.” Headlights approached. “You’d better hurry. There’s a car coming.” It was moving fast. “Come on, Isaac.” The car was nearly upon us. “Iiiiissac.”

I initially had most of that as separate paragraphs, but I can see that it works okay all together. The scene feels less dramatic that way, but whatever. Any thoughts?

Then there’s always the comma conundrums, such as:

“Hopefully they were the only ones who knew, other than Ben.” This editor added a comma after “Hopefully.” I don’t think that’s necessary. Do you?

“One way or another, we would’ve wound up The Crazy Freshmen, aka Space Cadet, and Beaker Brain.” Why did she add the comma after Space Cadet? 

This part may not be clear. Ana and Isaac collectively are The Crazy Freshmen. Individually, they are known as Space Cadet and Beaker Brain, respectively. Was that unclear?

A couple more tricky ones:

“As smart as he was, he didn’t foresee the problems that would cause? Or what he’d put me through to supposedly protect me?” She said not question marks, periods because they’re statements. But I see them as her thinking rhetorical questions. How did you read them?

“We could take turns driving through the night while the other sleeps,” Isaac suggested. She suggested I change “suggested” to “said.” Is suggested not allowed?

I’m happy, and grateful, to hear your thoughts!

Now a bit of Jiu-Jitsu so HRH doesn’t complain

Instructor went out of town, so HRH taught the Saturday morning classes, Master Cycle and the white belt class, Combatives. No way I was going to miss this.

I was a little surprised she asked me to be her demo partner for MC. Thankfully she didn’t say the dreaded, “Now we’ll switch,” meaning my turn to [attempt to] do the move.

Without her asking, I stayed to be her demo partner for Combatives, super excited for us to kind of teach a class together. Instructor not being there, I was less shy about speaking up. I even offered the class a tip for falling safely.

I was planning to covertly make goofy faces at her while she taught, but thought better of it. She was concentrating hard. It would be mean to throw her off, and for once I don’t mean that literally.

When Instructor returned Monday night, he thanked her for teaching in his absence and said he heard everyone loved it. I muttered to her, “I never said I loved it. He clearly didn’t ask everyone.”

“Hey!” she whispered back.

If I had been bold, or drunk, or someone else, I would have asked Instructor, “And what about her assistant? What did people say about her? Did everyone love her too?” But I was neither bold, drunk, nor someone else, so I kept my mouth shut.

Toward the end of class, I surprised myself by speaking up, asking Instructor if, before sparring, we could drill through everything we’d learned. “I don’t remember the first thing we learned an hour ago,” I said.

“If the lower belt wants to drill, the higher belt should be okay with doing what the lower belt wants to do,” Instructor said, looking at his wife, knowing she wanted to spar with me.

I playfully shoved her shoulder. She later told me she wanted to fake punch me back, but Instructor was watching.

I’d better keep a look out next class when he’s not watching.

Oh, yeah, that thing you voted on…

Subtitle options:

A. Who are you when everything that defined you is stripped away? 

or

B. The adventure she never wanted might be the one she needs.

Most of you voted for B, which I appreciate since that’s the one I wrote. If you voted for A, don’t feel bad. I wouldn’t have put it in the running if I didn’t consider it a contender.

And the trivia…

Spaghetti, olive oil, onion, garlic, eggs, bacon, parmesan, pepper, and parsley together make spaghetti carbonara.

Well done to many of you!

No new question this week. I’m hoping instead you’ll respond to the editing questions above. ❤ [Hopefully that comes out looking like a heart. If not, imagine one there.]