Category Archives: Mrs. Instructor/Her Royal Highness

Oct4

Ilsa Rey is not okay

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Ilsa Rey is not okay

I am, actually. I just miss you guys. I haven’t read blogs in weeks. So, if anyone is feeling hurt, it’s not just you. I’ve abandoned everyone, but here are some brief notes to let you know I’m still alive.

First, I had a sneaking suspicion that if I bragged about my second grade conquest, I would wind up losing that control. (Pride goeth before the fall and all.) The kids are having fun in my class, but that fun translates into volume. We did a review game where, whenever their team won a point, they cheered, loudly. So, so loudly. Hubby, the master of all things classroom, taught me some silent cheers I can show them instead. We’ll see if that’s fun for them too. But fun means my authoritative position has slipped. I will endeavor to get it back.

I’ve been subbing like mad still and enjoying it. However, last period Friday, near the end of class on a stupidly hot day, a seventh grader in the front row burped loudly and obnoxiously. I was done and not having it. “Out,” I said. “Just leave.” A minute later, he opened the door and asked, “Can I come back in now?” “Nope,” I said. No regrets.

Happy subbing highlights:

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Sep20

Here’s something unexpected.

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Here’s something unexpected.

To recap this past week: I had that final-final-final (I’ve lost count) draft to turn in. I did my day job. I did my new day job in the second grade. I subbed several classes. I had my annual birthday coffee date with two friends, and I stressed over prepping a speech I gave Saturday for engaged couples (postscript: the talk went well).

In the midst of this, a dear long-time blog buddy reminded me I was slated to do a guest post for her on my blog. I told her I’d need to get back to her because I was currently drowning. She graciously pushed it off till March, remembering that’s when my next book officially releases and suggesting we do a promo swap then.

Thanks a million for that, Jacqui. And everyone, if you’ve ever wondered what it was like to be a human in prehistoric times, Jacqui Murray has done fascinating research for her novels. Check them out.

Also during this week, for the sake of my mental health, I still made it to my usual Jiu-Jitsu classes, though for one, I showed up several minutes late and without my gi pants.

What a flippin’ mess I am.

Gi pants, chilling on my bed while I’m fighting my battles without them. What slackers–as opposed to slacks! Ooooh, pants pun!

Picture me slinking inside with skin-tight leggings and sitting on the bench with my gi top over my lap as Instructor is teaching. The whole line-up of students is facing me. One even waves. HRH looks at me. I mouth, “pants,” and point to my legs.

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Sep6

Ilsa goes back to school

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Ilsa goes back to school

The picture and caption I posted on socials:

I didn’t plan on being a teacher, except for martial arts, but when the school had a need for a second grade science teacher, I said I’d do it. My dear mother said: “Wow, good for you!” Then: “Do you know second grade science?” Love the confidence. I think I’ll manage. Thanks.

Then everyone’s favorite Royal Highness immediately texted:

This is just one class twice a week, and I wasn’t too concerned about second grade since I’d subbed that grade several times last year.

At that point, however, I’d been used to middle schoolers. Little kids are a different species. I didn’t know the cutesy tricks the lower grade teachers use like, “Quiet Coyote” and “One, two, three, eyes on me,” to which the students respond, “One, two, eyes on you.”

Who comes up with this stuff?

But before my appointed day with the littles, I sat with their teachers at lunch to get advice, explaining I was nervous since I only knew middle school. They said, “Ohhh! Middle school! Those kids are scary.”

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Aug31

The Lawyer Saga (A Jiu-Jitsu story, not real life)

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The Lawyer Saga (A Jiu-Jitsu story, not real life)

I’ve had this running gag with Lawyer about me ignoring him. It started months ago when I looked past him to instead greet Balloon Man, whom I hadn’t seen in forever. I apologized to Lawyer for–his words–shunning him, explaining I’d already seen him plenty of times. He acted too offended to forgive.

I’m shocked I have a picture of this incident from so long ago. Balloon Man, L, looks like, “Why is this woman speaking to me? What is she even talking about?” Lawyer, middle, is like, “Uh, I’m standing here too, Ilsa!” Wish I could remember what was actually being said.

Then there was the time we were all waiting at the mat for class to begin. I called Lawyer’s name, then looked up and away as soon as he turned toward me, which made him laugh.

Another time, I waved to Lawyer before class started. He ignored me. Finally he saw me and stepped toward me. “I waved and you shunned me,” I said. He apologized and extended a fist. I bumped it and said, “Now we’re even.”

“No, we’re not,” he said.

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Aug23

Saturday morning Jiu-Jitsu

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Saturday morning Jiu-Jitsu
Her Royal Highness (HRH) letting me know I’d be flying solo.

She kept me company while I got ready for class then…

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Aug1

And so it happened

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We knew the day was coming, but knowing in advance didn’t make its arrival any easier.

The New Girls, Blonde and Brunette, officially joined Master Cycle. That meant Instructor split Her Royal Highness and me up to partner with the lower belts.

That I should be considered a “higher belt” is ironic, but here we are.

I was with Brunette for what was her first MC class, and it went fine, from my perspective. The challenges are old hat to me, but later I got a text from her saying she wanted to cry after class.

And so I talked her down, much like HRH had done for me, telling her it would all be okay, eventually.

Being the elegant lady that I am, I described it thus: “I know it’s rough going from top dog in Combatives to little puppy not yet potty trained in Master Cycle” and explained it’s tough for all of us, but everyone is so kind and helpful.

And so the Ilsa has become the HRH, though I don’t think Her Royal Highness has ever wet the mat.
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Jul28

Back to our regularly scheduled program

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Back to our regularly scheduled program

In other words, I went back to Jiu-Jitsu Saturday morning after my surgery on Monday. The doctor had warned, “Nothing more than a stationary bike. Don’t get your blood pressure up.”

I don’t have a stationary bike, so I basically got slothful for several days. Feeling my muscles shrink and my stomach sag, I at least did a set of push-ups Friday. My nose throbbed afterward, however.

Oh well. It’s been too long since I’d Jiu-Jitsued it up, so I donned my gi and fresh nose Band-Aids and headed to the mixed beginner (Combatives) and advanced (Master Cycle) class.

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Jul19

It’s been far too long since I’ve given you…

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It’s been far too long since I’ve given you…

Surfer Dude stories! (I can hear your applause from here.)

Instructor and HRH were on a family camping trip one Saturday morning, so Surfer Dude (SD) taught Jiu-Jitsu. Toward the end, Smiley Guy asked SD what to do if someone gets their head out from under your leg (#onlyinJiuJitsu). SD showed it once, but class was over, so we didn’t practice that.

Rolling time, and I was with SD. At one point, he pushed my leg off from over his head, so I immediately pressed his chest back down with my other thigh, as he’d just shown.

“Oh-ho!” he said, eyebrows raised.

Later, I was standing, pondering how to get past his legs as he was in what I’ll call dead-bug position. Suddenly, his face brightened (uh-oh), he sat up, and pushed me over backward.

“Hey! That’s cheating,” I said. We both laughed. The timer rang, and he fist bumped me. “Good job,” he said.

I was practicing another day with SD when he said something along the lines of, “You can’t keep a good man down.”

“Oh, so since you just got out from the bottom of my side mount, you’re a good man, huh?” I said.

“I didn’t even think of that. You’re the one who made the connection.”

“Oooh, look at me. I’m Surfer Dude. I’m so great,” I said in my most obnoxious voice.

“Is that what I sound like in your head?”

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May20

Ich wünschte ich wäre hier

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Ich wünschte ich wäre hier

I could also say: Ojalá estuviera aquí.

And soon it will be: [whatever “Wish I Was Here” is in French].

The publisher asked authors if they’d like their Kindle e-books translated into German and Spanish.

“Sure!” I said. “Why not?”

“They’ll be up within 72 hours,” was the response.

Clearly, that means they’re AI-generated. I hope the robots did a good job. Not that humans can’t make mistakes, of course. In fact, as well-refined as AI has become, maybe it did a better job than a human could. Still, some carbon-based life form proofreading after the fact would probably be prudent. I’d like to say I could do it, but…

Conozco ein bisschen Español y Deutsch pero nein Français. And certainly not enough of the first two to be a decent judge.

If anyone wants to 1) test their foreign language knowledge, 2) help out a blog buddy, and 3) enjoy a good book, especially as a fun summer read, try Wish I Was Here in the lingua of your choice! [Click/tap See all languages and editions then choose a language from the drop-down menu. It’s only $6 or free if you have Kindle Unlimited. Yes, I have an affiliate link, FWIW.]

Other ways my book goes international

The Travel Architect emailed me a pic of my book on her lap at the airport as she awaited a flight to Copenhagen.

“Oooh! Send me a pic of it at cool places,” I requested.

A couple of days later, I received an email titled Malmo City Library, Sweden.

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May14

The “Dry Clean Only” Conspiracy

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The “Dry Clean Only” Conspiracy

Over the years, there has been a slow migration of formal wear from my closet into my daughters’ closets. This doesn’t bother me. I think it’s awesome we share clothes, and since I have few occasions to be fancy, they can house the gowns.

But the school’s annual fundraising gala was upon me, and I felt the dearth of dresses. I traipsed across the hall and found one daughter’s prom dress. The theme had been “murder mystery,” so she went as Miss Scarlet from Clue.

I sent the pic to Her Royal Highness (HRH) for approval. She benevolently bestowed her blessing.

Then I discovered bruises on one shoulder that sort of resembled a smiley face. This was after a Jiu-Jitsu class that HRH hadn’t attended. I blamed the boys for this one.

When I showed her this…

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