Aug31

The Lawyer Saga (A Jiu-Jitsu story, not real life)

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The Lawyer Saga (A Jiu-Jitsu story, not real life)

I’ve had this running gag with Lawyer about me ignoring him. It started months ago when I looked past him to instead greet Balloon Man, whom I hadn’t seen in forever. I apologized to Lawyer for–his words–shunning him, explaining I’d already seen him plenty of times. He acted too offended to forgive.

I’m shocked I have a picture of this incident from so long ago. Balloon Man, L, looks like, “Why is this woman speaking to me? What is she even talking about?” Lawyer, middle, is like, “Uh, I’m standing here too, Ilsa!” Wish I could remember what was actually being said.

Then there was the time we were all waiting at the mat for class to begin. I called Lawyer’s name, then looked up and away as soon as he turned toward me, which made him laugh.

Another time, I waved to Lawyer before class started. He ignored me. Finally he saw me and stepped toward me. “I waved and you shunned me,” I said. He apologized and extended a fist. I bumped it and said, “Now we’re even.”

“No, we’re not,” he said, straight-faced.

Then recently, the Blue Belt Kid (formerly Combatives Belt Kid) had to leave early, which left a big gap along the wall. “Let’s not leave Lawyer over there all by himself,” I said and started shifting toward him. As soon as he saw me coming, he moved farther away.

Surfer Dude, observing from center mat, laughed. I turned to Lawyer and said, “Now we’re even.” He tilted his head a moment, considering, then nodded his agreement.

HRH and Blonde were on the other side of me. I would rather partner with one of them than Lawyer. No offense, just, you know. So when it was time to pair up, I looked at the other two women with my hands at the ready for Rock, Paper, Scissors.

“You trying to get out of partnering with Lawyer?” HRH said loudly. “I’ll partner with him.” (Thanks so much for that, HRH. #HeavySarcasm)

I looked at Lawyer and said, “We’re not even again.” He nodded solemnly.

Lawyer is the king of secret selfies when the gym phone is unattended. Some of them are funny. This one, provided by HRH, is more scary, but the dude, like everyone else there, is super nice. Also, if you switch our faces out, this could totally be a picture of me. (#HeavySarcasmAgain My beard is not that glorious.)

When I still had my nose bandaged post-surgery, Lawyer asked how I’d been. I indicated my nose and said, “I got in a bar fight. It was defending him,” I pointed to the burly Pirate sitting by us.

“And she did defend me,” Pirate said. “She did a good job.” To his credit, Lawyer didn’t bust out laughing.

Lawyer was out for two weeks after getting a tattoo of 40 olives in honor of his homeland and his 40th birthday.

“And each olive has a pink heart inside of it,” Pirate added, straight-faced. “He’s not telling you that part, but we know.”

“Right,” Lawyer said, nodding.

These people are so fun.

Nothing a little distraction can’t fix…

I stopped bandaging my nose weeks ago to let the scar roam free. I actually kind of like it. I think it makes me look more interesting. HRH said she can hardly see it anymore. I responded, “How dare you?”

But on the first night sans bandage, when the scar was still quite noticeably purple and gnarly, I wasn’t too keen on people staring at it, so I decided to draw their attention away. I finally removed the tag on ridiculous leggings my goofball sister sent me years ago.

And it worked. I entered the gym at the same time as Pirate. He greeted me without looking at my face. His eyes were drawn to my pants.

A couple of ladies liked them. Surfer Dude said, “Those are sick,” which is the highest of praise from a 20-something.

I later sent photos in different poses to HRH to help me decide which to use on the blog.

She gets me.

Old Q: “Du Hast” is a 1997 industrial metal song by German band Rammstein. So many of you lovely weirdos knew that.

New Q: Edward Taylor’s work on mythology and Joseph Campbell’s work comparing Jesus, Moses, and Buddha led to the creation of the theory of the monomyth, or this two-word term.

I didn’t know this, but I did recognize the answer because it’s a literary term, and I’m now delighted to know its origin. (I will, nevertheless, forget by tomorrow.)

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30 responses »

      • Hint, hint, that was my little nudge to you to put on your marketing hat and promote the book Ilsa!!! Ha, ha! Just kidding . . . but next time you see Lawyer, you do need to remind him to stay away from Isaac’s pills or you’ll write him into Book Three as a bad guy!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh wait. How about this response. Ahem. {Clears throat}

        Why Brian, are you referring to the book, Wish I Was Here, about a girl whose genius best friend turns her invisible so she won’t be kidnapped alongside him? But then she needs to follow clues to locate him for the antidote within a week or she’ll remain invisible, which could lead to insanity and DEATH?

        THIS book? https://www.amazon.com/Wish-Was-Here-Invisible-Trilogy/dp/1685136907/

        That IS a fascinating and exciting novel, Brian. Thank you so much for bringing it up. I wonder if any comment scrollers might casually come upon it and want to check it out.

        Why, yes, it does have loads of fantastic reviews. What a good eye for detail you have, Brian!

        😉 😉 How was that? Tooootttalllyyy subtle advertising. I rock this marketing stuff.

        Liked by 1 person

    • I rarely see Balloon Man anymore. Stories about him abounded maybe two years ago. These guys are a lot of fun. When they razz each other, it’s a riot. I’m glad when I’m there to witness and record it.

      For instance, I think I wrote about this a while back, but my book was mentioned. Lawyer said, “You wrote a book about Jiu-Jitsu?” Thoughtful One said, “No, it’s for young adults, so even you could understand it.” Lawyer: “Ooooh. That was a good one!” 😛

      Liked by 1 person

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  6. those tights are great and i can see why they might be a bit distracting. i think you should wear them when you play cards, or dress up as a playing card for halloween. good to keep the lawyer in your corner, you might want to prosecute the ‘perp’ from your bar fight.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Good point about the Lawyer in my corner. He’s a defense attorney, so it’s more like, I’ll need representation when I beat someone up. 😛 😉

      I have a game night coming up! I’ll totally wear the leggings then! And if I ever have occasion to dress up for Halloween, I’ll keep that in mind too. Thanks, Beth!

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  9. You could have asked your surgeon to leave a gnarly scar that would frighten people … just say’n. and good of you to protect Pirate … mean most pirate just say arrr a lot — they’re not so good in bar fights (too much rum). Now if you were on a ship, Pirate should be able to defend himself.

    and Hero’s Journey … I have a BA in Literary Criticism and if you want the full lecture — the series of lectures on the subject just let me know.

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  10. That’ll teach me to wait to read your post until the next day. I totally knew that trivia question 🙂

    Those leggings are disturbing. I can see why nobody noticed your nose with those things.

    And will lawyer guy add a new olive to the tattoo every year now?

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  12. The dynamic at your gym sounds like an absolute blast! 🥋 Distracting everyone from your scar with eye-popping leggings is pure strategic genius. Between Lawyer’s secret selfies, the 40-olive tattoo, and your bar fight ‘street cred’ defending Pirate, you really have enough material for a whole sitcom!

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