May14

The “Dry Clean Only” Conspiracy

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The “Dry Clean Only” Conspiracy

Over the years, there has been a slow migration of formal wear from my closet into my daughters’ closets. This doesn’t bother me. I think it’s awesome we share clothes, and since I have few occasions to be fancy, they can house the gowns.

But the school’s annual fundraising gala was upon me, and I felt the dearth of dresses. I traipsed across the hall and found one daughter’s prom dress. The theme had been “murder mystery,” so she went as Miss Scarlet from Clue.

I sent the pic to Her Royal Highness (HRH) for approval. She benevolently bestowed her blessing.

Then I discovered bruises on one shoulder that sort of resembled a smiley face. This was after a Jiu-Jitsu class that HRH hadn’t attended. I blamed the boys for this one.

When I showed her this…

she said, “Not big enough. Darn. I should’ve come to class.”

My friends are so nice to me.

I wore a sparkly black wrap, and all was well. Good food, wine, cheesecake, music, and company followed.

By the end of the night, part of my hair had fallen. HRH forgave me this slight.

Then I sent…

I suppose it’s nice to go fancy every now and then, but it felt good to be back to me. [“Murder pajamas” hanging up in the background.]

The next day…

I checked the dress’s tag. Of course it said, “Dry Clean Only,” so I threw it across the back of the couch to deal with later, being shamed by it for days every time I walked past.

Finally, I grabbed it to to drop at the dry cleaners on the way home from Saturday morning Jiu-Jitsu. After consulting Google, I opened the door under the giant CLEANERS sign and found walls of blank baseball caps. This was now an embroidery store, I was told.

Alright, next attempt would be a place farther away. Hubby was going shopping nearby, so that was my new plan. But I had forgotten to give him the dress.

It lay across the couch for another week, mocking me.

Finally, I thought, You know, maybe I could just… So I hand washed parts of it myself. Gasp! Which was fine, except it then left water spots. I guess I’ll have to take it in after all.

But the dress STILL missed its ride to the cleaner.

So, here’s the conversation that happened one afternoon soon after:

Me: I did a cleaning cycle of our clothes washer with a cup of vinegar and hot water.

Hubby: Okay. (Indifferent. Why is my wife telling me this?)

Me: Then I turned that gown inside out and tossed it in the washer.

Hubby: (Eyes wide.)

Me: I washed it in cold water on gentle cycle.

Hubby: (Eyes widening.)

Me: Then I took it out and threw it in the dryer.

Hubby: (Amazingly, eyes wider still and he’s recoiled, bracing himself for the ending.)

Me: And it came out perfectly fine.

Hubby: (Shoulders slump.) “Whew.”

Other living dangerously stuff I didn’t tell you

Before the gala, I noticed the dress was wrinkly. Of course the tag said, “Do Not Iron,” as well as, “Do Not Put In Dryer.”

I know the old “put a towel between the iron and the fancy fabric” trick, but I attempted to make due with the slightly-less-fancy inner fabric inside out and therefore on top of the fancier-still gauzy outer layer.

Did that work? No, not at all. So I put the iron, at the lowest setting, directly on the gauze. That worked with no problems.

This was my first clue that clothing warning labels are a hoax and ultimately bolstered me to just wash the darn thing like normal.

The dress looks as good as new.

So, what do you think?

  1. Have I just outed myself as a domestic adrenaline junkie?
  2. Have you ever been so bold as to defy “Dry Clean Only” labels?
  3. Do you tear off mattress tags despite fear of punishment by law?
  4. Do you prefer to be all dressed up or in pajamas?

Happy to hear your thoughts.

Old Q: “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” is the epitaph engraved on the gravestone of this mid-20th-century American poet. A: Robert Frost. Well done!

New Q: Signed December 24, 1814, the Treaty of Ghent ended this conflict.

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15 responses »

  1. Wow, you regular washed dry cleaning? I don’t even know who you are any more! I’m going to have to think about if I want to hang around here any more. I mean, it’s just a small step from doing that to selling drugs on playgrounds or blowing up buses in third world countries. Shaaaaaame….

    The Treaty of Ghent officially ended the war between the Elves, the Dwarves and the Ents. Tolkien was very proud of that 😉

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  2. War of 1812.

    1. Yes
    2. No — I’m afraid of the dry cleaning mafia.
    3. No I don’t tear them off, but it’s because I’m lazy, not because I’m afraid of the law.
    4. I prefer to wear clothes — any kind, fancy, PJs, shorts, long sleeves, if it’s fabric, I wear it. I do not match the clothes to the occasion and once preached a sermon at church in blue jeans and a plaid flannel shirt. … the dry cleaning mafia asked if I’d forgotten my suit at the cleaners … after that I did wear a shirt and tie to a woodworking class (just in case).

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    • Not at all surprised you knew the answer. I wanted to comment to that effect, but I wasted my “Andrew answers in 3, 2…” in last post. Darn it!

      I don’t know how much of this to believe, but it still made me laugh, esp the ending. You’re the best medicine, Andrew.

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  3. We live in a crazy world. Every day you can find a new and different conspiracy theory that backs your brand of right or left opinion. Phoey on them though Ilsa! You’re onto something here. You’ve identified a real racket!!! I’m thinking we need a team of journalists to break this story wide open. Where’s modern day Woodward and Bernstein when you need them most. A racket between the major clothes manufacturers and dry cleaning shops across the globe. You know what though. I bet the hoax goes deeper. I bet the washing machine companies and the laundry detergent companies are in on it too. Whirlpool, LG, Tide, They have to be. This is the tip of the iceberg!!! Ha, ha. And look at you, you’re a rule breaker. Where would we all be if you hadn’t decided to flaunt the rules!!! Ha, ha. Go Ilsa, rule breaker!!!!

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