Nov11

How I may have accidentally made an older man wet himself

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How I may have accidentally made an older man wet himself
Image from Canva

My oldest daughter is a last-minute, make it in the nick of time, always in a rush due to poor planning, sort of person.

I hate when my kids take after me.

I was driving her to work. A typical ride with Mom turns into a gripping the sides of your seat frenetic adventure.

But not this morning.

Because at one right turn, I had to wait for a car to pass. It was one of those situations where you’re not sure if you can make the turn without cutting the person off, as you can’t quite judge their speed.

Then I muttered curses* because I totally could have made it. The dude was slow. Not slow-slow, but slow like a normal driver. In other words, waaaaayyy too slow for my liking on a “Get my daughter to work on time” mission.

Then he stopped at the next red light, noted no one was coming, and turned right. I noted no one was coming and turned right without stopping.

Then he turned right again in the direction I needed to go. Then yet again into the parking lot I was headed.

Here’s were it got interesting. At a stop sign he turned, left. *I* needed to turn left. I quickly followed him, only realizing mid-turn, that a car was waiting at the stop sign opposite me. It blended in with the cars parked next to it.

I gave a wave and mouthed “Sorry” to the driver.

Then I was oh so close to the entrance of the building where I needed to be. The guy in front of me was moving at a snail’s pace, with me essentially riding his tail. I wondered if I should let my daughter out early because maybe she could walk to the entrance faster than this guy was letting me drive.

“Come ON, buddy.”

That’s when I noticed him repeatedly checking his rear view mirror as he crawled forward. He had apparently realized that not only had I followed him for the past five turns, I repeatedly disobeyed driving laws in order to stay behind him.

“Oh. He thinks I’m following him,” I said to my daughter, who was probably grateful for the few extra seconds to shovel her Rice Krispies into her mouth.

I took note of my appearance and what the man could likely observe from his vantage point. It was cold. I was wearing a hoodie, with the hood pulled up. It wasn’t a black hoodie. It was dark green, though I doubt he could tell the difference.

He might have been thinking, “Uh-oh. Black hoodie! That person means trouble!”

If only he could see better he’d be like, “Wait. No. Dark green. I’m safe.”

I was also wearing my white daisy-rimmed sunglasses. But to him, the flowers might’ve looked like skulls. Was the poor guy wetting himself, thinking I was an insane road rager out to get him?

Only 2/3 of that was true.

The daisy/skull sunglasses on a different day when I’m happily headed to Jiu-Jitsu, probably running late and driving too fast.

Finally, he turned left, and I shot forward to the entrance. My daughter left her now-empty cereal bowl on her seat as she hopped out, arriving, as always, just in time.

I hope that dear man doesn’t need therapy, or a change of pants.

*I was not actually muttering curses. I try to keep those internal when my children are around. Actually, I wasn’t doing that either. I only swear when wearing the black hoodie.

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66 responses »

  1. Maddening. I have an entire monologue when behind people creeping along: “What is WRONG with you? Don’t you have somewhere to be? Because I have, like, a THOUSAND places to be! Go slow on your own time! YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD TAKE YOUR KEYS!”

    Liked by 2 people

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    • I wish I had kept track of where he went. Like, did he take off to get as far away as possible, as quickly as possible? Did he check his rearview to see if I kept following? Did he see that I was just dropping someone off?

      I wish I had at least looked back to see if he was also looking back. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

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  4. Well, he might have been worried … after all FBI, CIA and DEA agents are all issued daisy sunglasses. Not many people know that. Actually I’m kind of impressed that you got a pair without getting a visit from people in cars with tinted windows.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Some day when I no longer have children to get places at certain times, I hope I’ll be a mellow driver too. Actually, you could almost say that half the time I am: those times when I have just successfully dropped my children off barely in time and am now headed home. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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    • Wouldn’t that be nice??? And I don’t want to burst your enthusiasm for that marvelous theory, but it is totally true–I have observed it many times!!!–that the red lights and the slow cars line up before me when I am in the biggest of hurries. I swear Murphy’s Law was made for me when I’m driving.

      HOWEVER, I will also say that things have ALWAYS worked out just fine despite the rush, the stress, the worry. But regardless of the numerous examples of this, I cannot help but rush and stress and worry. Maybe when I finally learn the lesson that everything will indeed be OKAY, is the day I die.

      Liked by 1 person

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      • I need to introduce you to the friend I had in school. She had complete and absolute control over starting to make it rain. No dancing required. All she had to do is get her car washed and voila! It rained! That was her story and I saw it in action on more than one occasion 🤣

        And if that’s that case, I hope you never learn that lesson 😘

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh my gosh, though, EWE. I would love that skill since I live in drought country. Ask her to come visit me. And a local car wash.

        And to the second part, thanks, friend. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yes! And here’s the funny thing about that headshot. I had gotten my hair professionally done for the first time in, I don’t know, a decade and a half? Usually Hubs cuts it in the bathroom, but I thought I’d give this a try. It was a one and done situation. My hair looked nice, but the cost… No. I had a really nice time talking with the lady, though!

        So then, when looking for pics I could use with my author bio, I found that one and thought, “Now it’s all worth it!” A coworker kindly photoshopped out my hand holding the phone for a selfie. I’m just so glad I thought, before heading to Taekwondo, I should get a pic of this hair while it still looks nice! And huzzah!

        Like

  9. I felt as though I was right there with you, along for the ride! I have had that slow driver going my way situation and it only ever happens when I need to be somewhere. Hopefully, he’s not writing a blog post about you 🤣

    Liked by 2 people

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    • OMG, wouldn’t that be hilarious!!!! Hahaha. I would read it with trepidation. And die of laughter if he said I was wearing a black hoodie.

      And thanks for going along for the ride with me, Bijoux!

      Like

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  11. Poor guy. I have inadvertently done that, followed someone by accident/coincidence, not wet myself, and I’m sure the person must have been freaking out. But by the way you describe your driving, perhaps he was just scared to be on the same road?

    Liked by 1 person

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  12. It may be time for me to hide that black hoodie of yours.

    Or place a curse jar in the car. (Gonna buy me a Samsung – 98” Class Q80C QLED 4K UHD Smart Tizen TV with surround sound speakers!)

    Liked by 1 person

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  13. Tara is notoriously terrible (Tara-ble?) at judging oncoming traffic. She will wait, and wait, and wait…and then wait a little longer…for a car to pass before making a turn. I’ll usually say something like, “Geez, babe, you could have gone four or five times!” – which probably doesn’t help matters, but I say it in a lighthearted way and she only semi-glares at me when I do, so I like to think of it as one of those cute couply things.

    Your daughter eats cereal in the car? Aren’t you afraid of milk splashing all over the interior if you go over a speed bump or have to slam on the brakes?

    Liked by 1 person

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  14. “Cute couply things.” Hahaha. You know, you could also just tell her, “You have plenty of time to make the turn. Go for it.”

    My daughter is a pro at eating in the car on the way to work by now. The first place milk would splash is her lap, so she’s very motivated to be careful. Also, it’s a plastic kid bowl with high sides. That helps. 🙂

    Props for Tarable. 🙂

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  17. I am a driver who curses others the whole time. I would be like, “WHAT THE FCKK IS WORNG WITH YOU, ARE YOU STUPID” and some sensory ones depending on my passenger and offense of the other person.

    This was such an interesting ride. That guy must have been ao scared. 😂😂

    Liked by 1 person

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    • No road rage. That sounds scary. I’m sure the guy noticed that I didn’t follow him when he took his last turn and so he probably sighed with relief. I don’t know if he was watching from a safe distance as my daughter hopped out and took off running (practically), but hopefully he put two and two together and realized I wasn’t after him, just the vast expanse of road/parking lot in front of him, that he was stubbornly keeping me from.

      Liked by 1 person

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  20. The final photo looks like you have a personal photographer kneeling on the floor of the front passenger seat, at the ready to take perfect selfies. The sunglasses daisies speak volumes (tho’ not sure what they’re saying). And your driving story is one we can all relate to (hence 60+ comments!) Just the other day I had to dash to the house to pick up my wife for an appointment we were sure to be late for. Murphy’s Law, I found myself behind a “leisurely” car I followed all… the… way… to our neighborhood and then to our street. I swear it’s a higher power at work, reminding us we are never an exception to the rules of the road.

    Liked by 2 people

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    • Pretty sure for the daisy pic I held my phone out for a selfie, keeping my eyes on the road! because I was happy to be heading back to class after some injury or another.

      So I’m not the only one Murphy follows around with his rule book. Or, I guess, not follows, but leads, trapping us behind him and his sadistic slow vehicle. That Murphy dude’s a jerk. I hope you still managed to get to the appointment on time.

      I saw a car the other day without a license plate and thought of you. Did you ever get all your toll fees in the mail?

      Liked by 1 person

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      • Remarkably, I believe all of my tolls have caught up with me. It took the better part of six weeks but the states of North Carolina, West Virginia, Maryland, and Pennsylvania each sent their bills and have been paid what they were owed. The system’s as inefficient as it gets but how about that? It actually works.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Wow. So…. what happens if people don’t pay their tolls? Is this like outstanding parking tickets, which, according to television, don’t catch up with you unless you’re arrested for something else?

        Liked by 1 person

      • There was probably some threatening fine print on the billing statement to answer your question. Just like parking tickets, I’m sure the IOUs catch up with you sooner or later. Otherwise they’d have to put in a more efficient tolling process – horrors!

        Liked by 1 person

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