May14

The “Dry Clean Only” Conspiracy

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The “Dry Clean Only” Conspiracy

Over the years, there has been a slow migration of formal wear from my closet into my daughters’ closets. This doesn’t bother me. I think it’s awesome we share clothes, and since I have few occasions to be fancy, they can house the gowns.

But the school’s annual fundraising gala was upon me, and I felt the dearth of dresses. I traipsed across the hall and found one daughter’s prom dress. The theme had been “murder mystery,” so she went as Miss Scarlet from Clue.

I sent the pic to Her Royal Highness (HRH) for approval. She benevolently bestowed her blessing.

Then I discovered bruises on one shoulder that sort of resembled a smiley face. This was after a Jiu-Jitsu class that HRH hadn’t attended. I blamed the boys for this one.

When I showed her this…

she said, “Not big enough. Darn. I should’ve come to class.”

My friends are so nice to me.

I wore a sparkly black wrap, and all was well. Good food, wine, cheesecake, music, and company followed.

By the end of the night, part of my hair had fallen. HRH forgave me this slight.

Then I sent…

I suppose it’s nice to go fancy every now and then, but it felt good to be back to me. [“Murder pajamas” hanging up in the background.]

The next day…

I checked the dress’s tag. Of course it said, “Dry Clean Only,” so I threw it across the back of the couch to deal with later, being shamed by it for days every time I walked past.

Finally, I grabbed it to to drop at the dry cleaners on the way home from Saturday morning Jiu-Jitsu. After consulting Google, I opened the door under the giant CLEANERS sign and found walls of blank baseball caps. This was now an embroidery store, I was told.

Alright, next attempt would be a place farther away. Hubby was going shopping nearby, so that was my new plan. But I had forgotten to give him the dress.

It lay across the couch for another week, mocking me.

Finally, I thought, You know, maybe I could just… So I hand washed parts of it myself. Gasp! Which was fine, except it then left water spots. I guess I’ll have to take it in after all.

But the dress STILL missed its ride to the cleaner.

So, here’s the conversation that happened one afternoon soon after:

Me: I did a cleaning cycle of our clothes washer with a cup of vinegar and hot water.

Hubby: Okay. (Indifferent. Why is my wife telling me this?)

Me: Then I turned that gown inside out and tossed it in the washer.

Hubby: (Eyes wide.)

Me: I washed it in cold water on gentle cycle.

Hubby: (Eyes widening.)

Me: Then I took it out and threw it in the dryer.

Hubby: (Amazingly, eyes wider still and he’s recoiled, bracing himself for the ending.)

Me: And it came out perfectly fine.

Hubby: (Shoulders slump.) “Whew.”

Other living dangerously stuff I didn’t tell you

Before the gala, I noticed the dress was wrinkly. Of course the tag said, “Do Not Iron,” as well as, “Do Not Put In Dryer.”

I know the old “put a towel between the iron and the fancy fabric” trick, but I attempted to make due with the slightly-less-fancy inner fabric inside out and therefore on top of the fancier-still gauzy outer layer.

Did that work? No, not at all. So I put the iron, at the lowest setting, directly on the gauze. That worked with no problems.

This was my first clue that clothing warning labels are a hoax and ultimately bolstered me to just wash the darn thing like normal.

The dress looks as good as new.

So, what do you think?

  1. Have I just outed myself as a domestic adrenaline junkie?
  2. Have you ever been so bold as to defy “Dry Clean Only” labels?
  3. Do you tear off mattress tags despite fear of punishment by law?
  4. Do you prefer to be all dressed up or in pajamas?

Happy to hear your thoughts.

Old Q: “I had a lover’s quarrel with the world” is the epitaph engraved on the gravestone of this mid-20th-century American poet. A: Robert Frost. Well done!

New Q: Signed December 24, 1814, the Treaty of Ghent ended this conflict.

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62 responses »

  1. Wow, you regular washed dry cleaning? I don’t even know who you are any more! I’m going to have to think about if I want to hang around here any more. I mean, it’s just a small step from doing that to selling drugs on playgrounds or blowing up buses in third world countries. Shaaaaaame….

    The Treaty of Ghent officially ended the war between the Elves, the Dwarves and the Ents. Tolkien was very proud of that 😉

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  2. War of 1812.

    1. Yes
    2. No — I’m afraid of the dry cleaning mafia.
    3. No I don’t tear them off, but it’s because I’m lazy, not because I’m afraid of the law.
    4. I prefer to wear clothes — any kind, fancy, PJs, shorts, long sleeves, if it’s fabric, I wear it. I do not match the clothes to the occasion and once preached a sermon at church in blue jeans and a plaid flannel shirt. … the dry cleaning mafia asked if I’d forgotten my suit at the cleaners … after that I did wear a shirt and tie to a woodworking class (just in case).

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  3. We live in a crazy world. Every day you can find a new and different conspiracy theory that backs your brand of right or left opinion. Phoey on them though Ilsa! You’re onto something here. You’ve identified a real racket!!! I’m thinking we need a team of journalists to break this story wide open. Where’s modern day Woodward and Bernstein when you need them most. A racket between the major clothes manufacturers and dry cleaning shops across the globe. You know what though. I bet the hoax goes deeper. I bet the washing machine companies and the laundry detergent companies are in on it too. Whirlpool, LG, Tide, They have to be. This is the tip of the iceberg!!! Ha, ha. And look at you, you’re a rule breaker. Where would we all be if you hadn’t decided to flaunt the rules!!! Ha, ha. Go Ilsa, rule breaker!!!!

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  5. Just the other day I was wondering if there were many dry cleaners left. I wouldn’t buy anything that had to be dry cleaned (I don’t go to anything fancy anymore) and most office dress codes (if one still goes to an office) are pretty casual. I’m glad it worked out for you with the dress.

    I’m definitely more of a comfy over dressy person. If I shower in the morning, I consider it a win (just kidding… sort of).

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    • “just kidding… sort of” is such a me thing to say, too, Janis. 😛

      Yeah, buying stuff that (supposedly) has to be dry cleaned is something I avoid too. I had a friend who took all her husband’s work clothes to the dry cleaners regularly. I don’t get that at all. Well, I guess I sort of get it, but I still wouldn’t do it.

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  7. Oh, I love the dress. It looks great – good choice if you’re going to wear something other than red, that is. 🙂

    Love your bravery in washing that. You’re right – it is a vast conspiracy! But we needed you to test it out for us and for that, I’m eternally grateful! 🙂

    I want to say war of 1812 but I’m totally guessing! Good to see you, my friend! ❤ ❤ ❤

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  9. I think it’s nice that you shared clothing with your daughters, Ilsa. Your communication with HRH seems to be helpful, in my opinion. According to Wikipedia, the Treat of Ghent ended the War of 1812 between the United States and Great Britain. I hope things go well for your washing clothes.

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  10. Have I just outed myself as a domestic adrenaline junkie?
    Have you ever been so bold as to defy “Dry Clean Only” labels?
    Do you tear off mattress tags despite fear of punishment by law?
    Do you prefer to be all dressed up or in pajamas?

    1. I don’t know
    2. Always. Everything goes into the washing machine in my house. 🤷🏼‍♀️😉In rural Austria I wouldn’t even know where to bring clothes for dry cleaning, does it even exist, I don’t know…
    3. Can they be torn off? I guess you’d need scissors, and why would I bring scissors to the bedroom 🤣
    4. Neither, nor. It’s jeans and t shirt everyday and all year round. In summer the jeans are short. In winter the t shirt gets an extra layer or two 😉

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  11. I love your second outfit…comfy robes for the win! As for the “dry clean only” nonsense…I just don’t do it. I’ve yet to have a major laundering calamity when I go slow, gentle cycle, cold water, fluff and air dry, treat with TLC. I just can’t abide the stinky chemicals on dry cleaned clothes. Gah. 😜😜😜

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  12. Well hey, another First-World problem! 🙂 I think most of us have that habit of leaving something sitting out just to remind us to send/clean/fix/whatever. Our tolerance seems to be about two weeks before we’re annoyed enough to do anything about it. As for tags I’ve gotten much better at getting rid of them, esp. on clothing and pillow cases. They used to be threatening with their bold, capitalized words but these days I just snip them off with glee. (Guess I’ve finally grown up, huh?) No clue on the trivia, but if I was still in middle school world history class I bet I’d nail it.

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    • You know, removing tags, unread, would probably save a lot of people problems. 😛 Great solution. As to the trivia, I have at least heard of the war. If I had thought of it before reading the answer, I might have gotten it. Shrug. We’ll never know!

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  13. Great story. You are persistent! This sounds like a story off the old “Myth Busters” show. You reminded of the time my wife and I were going to save money and wash, dry and iron my dress shirts. The plan hit a snag as ironing dress shirts is a chore. So, we decided to spend the money on that the next time. Keith

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    • My mom used to watch Columbo while ironing shirts. I have fond memories of that. Now, I let the dryer do it’s best at getting wrinkles out. If it doesn’t do a great job, well, my husband hates ironing too, so he lives with the wrinkles. 😛

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      • Yes! I remember one episode where he goes to a homeless shelter, and a woman working there tries to help him with a meal, etc. He has a hard time explaining that he’s not homeless. 😛

        Liked by 1 person

  16. I absolutely LOVE to get dressed up. I think it’s because I went 20 years without owning one dress (the parenthood years). I finally was invited to a wedding in 2008 and had to go buy a dress. I’ve been accumulating them ever since!

    I always used that Dryel stuff on dry clean only clothing. I don’t even know if they still sell it. You just popped a sheet into the dryer with the item. It came out fresh, so that’s all I cared about.

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    • Twenty years without owning a dress. Wow. I have dresses I’ve owned for more than 20 years. I wonder if they’ve been worn that many times. Probably most of them. That’s great you enjoy dressing up. I do so sparingly. 😛

      Never heard of Dryel. I wonder how (if) it’s different from regular dryer sheets. I didn’t use one with this dress. Still came out fine. Phew!

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  17. You are so brave. I always thought that if it said dry clean only, it meant the garment would explode and catch fire if you put it in the dryer/ironed it. Apparently, that’s not true. 🙂

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  18. Trivia was too easy, the war of 1812.

    She gets a bruise that looks like a smiley face and asks if she’s an adrenaline junkie. I think you probably get your adrenaline anywhere you can including the laundry.

    Mrs. Herb has always been skillful and clever when it comes to laundry and stains and such and has washed many items marked “Dry Clean Only” with few challenges. I have no such skills.

    How do I find out if I have any federal warrants out on me because I always tear those tags off?

    When I worked in the men’s store and when I worked in an office I was “dressed up” a lot and I like to “dress up.” I think I (as the old saying goes) clean up pretty good. In the same breath I have no problem hanging around the house all day in my pajamas, either.

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